I Need a Job I will be available in January 2009, and I am willing to relocate. RESUME: GEORGE W. BUSH1600 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC 20520 LAW ENFORCEMENT: * I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving underthe influence of alcohol. I plead guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver’slicense suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been ‘lost’ and is not available. MILITARY: * I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused totake a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam. EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE: * I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was acheerleader. PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: * I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. * I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. Ibought an oil company, but couldn’t find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. * I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal thattook land using taxpayer money. * With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas. ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS: * I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. * I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune ofbillions in borrowed money. * I set the record for the most executions by any governor in Americanhistory. * With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father’s appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes. ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT: * I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with acriminal record. * I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of overone billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. * I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history. * I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any12-month period. * I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. * I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of theU.S. stock market. * In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobsand that trend continues. * I’m proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of anyadministration in U.S. history. My ‘poorest millionaire, ‘Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her. * I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S.President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receivingthe most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaigncontributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over thelargest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron. * My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneysto assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my electiondecision. * I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton againstinvestigation or prosecution. * More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinskyaffair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporaterip-offs in history. * I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history andrefused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry wasrevealed. * I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. * I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awardedgovernment contracts. * I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than anyPresident in U.S. history. * I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracyin the history of the United States Government. * I’ve broken more international treaties than any President in U.S.history. * I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nationsremove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. * I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. * I refused to allow inspector’s access to U.S. ‘prisoners of war’detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. * I am the first President in history to refuse United Nationselection inspectors (during the 2002 US election). * I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of anyPresident since the advent of television. * I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-yearperiod. * After taking off the entire month of August, I presided ove
